Trusting

Abbie is sitting on the back of the couch grumbling as she watches the squirrels chase each other through the cool September morning.  I am recovering from a bit of a nasty cold.  a couple of years back, I would not have let the cold stop me, I would still have gone to the gym, taken the dogs for a walk, cleaned the house and done all the laundry yesterday.  But I have learned that rest is a good thing, for the body, the mind, and the soul.  Yesterday, after a couple errands and a little light housecleaning, I spent the rest of the day mostly resting, reading, contemplating.

Last January, I lost the job I had been with for 11 years, and a time of rest, trust, but definite difficulty began for me.  I remember telling Pastor Michael that this was a God thing.  I knew I needed to get out of my job for things had changed in the last couple of years, and for many reasons the company morale, and mine, started sinking.  but God is faithful, and I think he picked me up out of that situation, and gave me a time of rest.  My severance pay carried me thru until Mid July. During this time I experienced a lot of difficult things which challenged me both emotionally and spiritually.  Though it all, even though I sometimes questioned God, I always kept my story straight, knowing He was working behind the scenes.  I never lost my faith and trust in him.

Spring forward to the beginning of June and I finally got a new job.  I was elated, the salesperson, otherwise known as Vice President of Development convinced me how great the opportunities for growth were and how quickly they would come about, you see she confided in me,we many things in the works and the company is well known.

Little did I know that the company was a sinking ship barely able to meet payroll and other obligations, and over the course of the next three months it progressively got worse.  On two occasions I didn't get paid on time, and it seems my bills would have to take a seat behind the ever growing bills and unpaid bills of the company.   The attitude with which my employer presented this to me was unconscionable.  I hope I never have to experience an employer upset that I am upset for not getting paid on time. 

I held on because, I did after all manage to get my check, which I needed.  But I knew in my heart that this was only a stepping stone, that God had plans, and that I was there, right where I was supposed to be.

Don't get me wrong, there were many days where I melted down and asked Him why this was happening.  There were many times I cried and got angry for being in this difficult situation.  But at the end of the day, I knew He was working in the background....just not at the pace I wanted Him too....have you ever noticed that God doesn't do it on our schedule?  Funny thing is, because He doesn't adhere to our schedule, better, brighter things come along.

A few weeks ago, the employment market started breaking open, and I was getting a lot of phone calls.  I have continued to look for another job knowing that this was not the place where I was esupposed to be long term.  I started interviewing. One job in particular that I had hoped would work out has continued their lengthy process of interviewing and testing me and I know that I am one of their 2 top candidates right now.  I laughed at this, thinking, "so this is where you are putting me, huh God."

To my surprise I was contacted by another company, interviewed, and was offered the job less than a day after I interviewed.  The funny thing is I like this job as much if not more than the other.  I prayed, I accepted, and I laughed at the way God sometimes works in our lives.

I don't know if this is my dream job, or if this is where God is going to land me as a long term job.  What I do know, and have learned through these last months is this, God works in His way, in His time, and at the end of the day, it is ultimately better for us then anything we could have planned for ourselves.

I know this, more than I have ever known, and having seen it, in real time, and real circumstance, it is up to me to ever trust my Heavenly Father, and even when I fail to feel it, continuing to do those disciplines like prayer, and Bible reading,  and studying, are so important in keeping us connected to Him.  Being connected to God allows the river of trust and faith to flow freely.  More importantly even than all of that, RESTING in His Presence, will bring hope in darkness.  

I am blessed to have a Faithful, Loving and Forgiving God.  I am blessed to have my eyes opened to how amazing He truly is.  Watching life unfold in my friends and family, and in myself, has blessed me beyond any vision I could have had.

L

Growing

I have several hanging and potted plants on my patio. I love the lush greens of ferns, and how a cliff hanger fern has red-brown vines that curl up into a spiral. I love the texture and lighter green of an asparagus fern; the delicate leaves of a friendship fern and the variegated leaves of spider plants. Each type of ivy is different than the next, sometimes I have trouble distinguishing the varieties as being ivy.

Something that always amazes me about plants is how they grow in spurts. There is a time when the plants on my patio all go dormant. They still show their beautiful greenery and rich vines, but they don't grow.  Even though they receive the same elements of sunshine and water, there are seasons when they lay dormant.  At least on the outside. The reality is that the dormant seasons are seasons of rest and recuperation. Storing up the necessities to grow later when the sun is warmer and the days longer and fuller.

I think that those who follow God are a lot like that too. There are times when I don't see or feel myself growing, times when I feel stagnant in my growth in God, but there are other times, when I grow by leaps and bounds. It is when I am growing by leaps and bounds that I realize that I never stopped growing in God at all, but I was being prepared for the spurts of growth that would be visible to me.
God moves us each through those times where growth isn't visible. Underneath the surface though, and many times without our realizing it, God is stretching us in new ways, deepening our roots in trust, understanding and faith.

There was a time not very long ago where I no longer heard God. I wasn't getting much out of the sermons, I felt empty in my ministry. It wasn't until later that I realized, through a lot of prayer and working with my mentor that God wasn't going to treat me like a newborn baby anymore and that it was time for me to be still and know that He was there, even though I didn't see Him working in me or in my life.

Today, 8 weeks into unemployment and at a very frightening time in my life, I am watching myself grow in leaps and bounds in my relationship with God. God's glorious, and vital sunlight is reaching deep into my soul, deepening the very roots of my faith, teaching me that His love and mercy is always there for me. Even in my self-induced darkness, I can see through the light of His amazing love and grace.

Even though I am concerned today of what may lay ahead in my future unless I soon get a new job, I am growing in God's word, in the lessons that He has for me. I am recognizing those things about myself that He wants me to change. I have a deeper faith. My heart beats for God. I recognize that the time that I wasn't feeling in touch with God was a time He wanted me to rest in Him, where I could store up those vital nutrients of faith and trust and stretch upward against the soil to burst forth into His amazing grace.

Heavenly Father, sometimes the lesson isn't learned until the class is finished and the test is done, and finally...finally I get it. Sometimes, I don't see where you are taking me, and sometimes, I don't see you there at all. But I know this, you promised that you would never leave me, and I believe you. Forgive me Father when I fail to trust you. Forgive this broken woman when my heart tells me you have left me. Shower wisdom on my heart God that I may know that even when my heart feels abandoned, that my mind would take over and remind my heart that you will never leave me.

Thank you Father, for you are an amazing God. You are my sunshine, my strength, my provision, you are my heartbeat, my everlasting love. You are my God.

Amen.

God truly does work in ways we cannot comprehend.  This morning reading my devotional it talked of how mouthing the words "I trust you" to God while at the same time frantically trying to control a situation is sendng exactly the opposite message and saying "I don't trust you to take care of this."

I am never truly surprised by how God shows me and teach me. Sometimes, my daily devotional seems like it was written by God, for me alone. So often the message I read in the morning is a gentle reminder of how many ways I failed to do as I should, and trust in God, or hope in God, or just let go of my need to control a situaton.

These last two months, in particular, have been difficult at best. The enemy has his sights on me and attacks me on a never ending basis. Yet, as I look back over things that have happened over this time period, I see God in all of it. Hindsight is always the best viewpoint, but the truth is, that by looking back, we can learn more about trusting God in the difficult times ahead.

Even though I say I trust God, my actions don't always give God that message. It is easy to trust Him when everything is sailing along smoothly, but when the storms come, we desperately want to take the helm and steer in the direction WE think is best...sometimes God just says, "go ahead and let me know how that works out for you."

Following and trusting God takes a conscious effort. We need to be mindful and stay present and focused on Him, then, when the storm comes it is easier to let God take the helm and steer you out of the storm as only He can do.

I know that this is so much more difficult to do than to say. In looking back over the last month and knowing God was in every situation and taking care of things in His way, I hope that I can be more mindful each day to keep myself focused on Him, and learn to wait patiently in His presence.

Heavenly Father, teach me to look to you in all things. To bend my knee when I feel the need to take control, and to pray to you for your guidance and mercy. God, you are so good to me, and I fail in so many ways to be who you want me to be. Still, I am grateful, Father, that your grace is so amazing. Grateful that regardless of who I was or how I have failed today, that tomorrow you will still love me and carry me.

Amen.