Morning Glory

This morning, was all wrong.  In the first 15 mins I spilled something, dropped something, hushed 3 dogs barking at the non-existent and imaginary, and just the second when I thought all the dogs were back in the house and ready for their breakfast...Zoey went zipping out the door barking again.  If you've ever tried to catch a Jack Russell as they are zipping by you, well, good luck with that.  And then, well, there was that too, the heartache.  Kaitie left this morning, with the girls, and her husband to live in Florida.  I don't know when I will see or hold them again, I don't know that my beautiful little sunny girl, Marley Jane, will remember me when they visit, and my heart aches to hold that precious little girl one more time.  I didn't get to see them before they left.  I didn't get to hold that little girl in my arms.  I didn't get to hold the new baby, Elle, again.  But the heartache, it's there more in what isn't; that Kaitie didn't make time to say goodbye, that she made time for everyone, except her family.  And the heartache sinks deep into the bare, skinny bones of that relationship that's messy, and difficult, instead of warm and loving.

I sit in my morning place, needing to read my devotional, to meet with God for a few moments, something I look forward too and need before my day begins, and my IPAD, which usually resides on that spot on the table, isn't.  Another stick on the stack, ready to topple and crash.  Flustered, I cry 'God, right now I just need to sit with you.  It's all wrong, upside-down this morning, and I just need to find peace and rest in you right in this minute.  Meet me Lord.  Calm me.  Give me peace.'  And I fall forward.  Into God....folded hands meet bowed head and before words to prayer form in my mind, I know His presence.  I feel light  warm against my cheek; I know His peace, His rest, His reassurance, His arms wrapped around me, comforting, loving, knowing.  And I know with certainty, and not for the first time, that even when He seems silent to me, He is always there, He always loves me.  He always hears me. I  can't help myself, and I smile at Him, all glowing and warm, close to me, my Heavenly Father, comforting me, loving me.  I'm a child again, lost in His amazing love, and I smile, because I know that's what He wanted for me this morning.  It was His gift to me.  He knew where I was at, where my heart was and He knew that I needed Him and not a devotional...Just.  Him.  Being God, He didn't show up how I expected, and I think that's just maybe how He gets my attention sometimes. "Forget the devotional' He seemed to say, "just sit with me,"  Be still and know that I am God."

In that precious gift of moment from the Father, an overflowing river of gratitude made it's way into my heart and my day.  He calms me.  Calms the storm of heartbreak and frustration.  He invites me into His space.  He prepares me in those moments when I am still with Him.  He fills full the empty places.  He is my Heavenly Father, and like I pursue a better relationship with my youngest daughter, My Heavenly Father, constantly pursues a deeper relationship with me.  It's ironic....all this work, stuff, things, we do to pursue God, to be closer, deeper with Him.  Really, it's His pursuit of us where I see Him most often.  He is ever ready for the opportunity to show up and show us His Glory.

Later that morning, at a stop light, I cling to that "glory moment," relive it...and know that His Glory is all around if I choose to see and hear.  Before the light turns green, my gaze lifts up and a reflection is etched into the overhang of a gas station, a silhouette of three crosses, the one in the middle taller then the others.  God's Glory, revealed.

PERSPECTIVES FROM MY MORNING

Perspective # 1 – the grump.

God, It’s 5:00 a.m.  It’s colder outside this morning and I really needed to sleep in just because I’ve been doing this 5:00 a.m. thing for over 40 years now, with little time off, and almost no vacations.  I’m tired.  When will it be my turn to not have to do this.  To sleep in and go to work when I want.

I’m sore today.  Leg workout Tuesday, ran 3 miles Wednesday.  Why does my old body have to hurt so much when I have taken such good care of it all these years? 

My bills aren’t all paid.  I lost my job a couple years ago, I made good money, had awesome benefits including a great 401K…But the divorce took everything I had.  After I lost my job, got another one that pays a lot less, and God, my bills are not getting paid…I don’t like the people I work for, their expectations are perfection, when I am human.  They are rude to their workers, there is no sense of belonging or accomplishment or fulfillment, and my benefits suck.

The vet wants to see Zack again and check out his heart.  $50.  I don’t have it, not if I am going to get his prescription this month that he has to take twice a day, for the rest of his life.  I don’t have enough money to live on this next week because so many unexpected things already came up.  I can’t buy gas AND groceries.  Where is the money coming from God?    Why is it like this?  Why is my life always about scrambling?

Life is so messy.  God, where are you in my life?

Perspective #2 – the thankful

Good morning God.  I sooooo wanted to sleep in this morning.  It was cold out, and I was snuggled in with the dogs, all comfy and cozy, but I had to get up to go to work.  But God, thanks for a good night sleep and my pups all snuggled in with me.  Thanks for the job.  I know I don’t like who I work for but I try to make the best of it.  I know you have something for me, and that you are working through this difficult job teaching me and training me, and I really do like WHAT I do.  I am soooo grateful that I have a job when there are so many people who don’t.  Thank you Father, for giving me the skills to do this job, to persist, and to be motivated to go to work each day , thanks for the active mind that gets the job done and stays sharp (at least most of the time.)  My benefits aren’t as good as I want.  But I’m fortunate to have an employer who provides them and pays for them. 

Father I’m trying hard to make ends meet and I don’t make enough because my job doesn’t pay near as much as my old job.  Zack needs to go to the vet again, $50, I don’t know where it’s coming from, heck, God, I don’t know how I am going to buy groceries AND gas this next week, just because things came up and I’m going to be so broke, but I know that you will be there, in this situation, and that one way or another, you will see me through this trial.  You ALWAYS do!  God, thanks for loving me and for providing.  I have a home, a comfy bed, heat in the cold, protection from the elements and so much more.  All because of your love.

Thanks for this morning too, the time I get to sit, besties curled up next to me, read your amazing word, and think about it, breathe in the name of Yahweh for a few minutes.  Thanks for always motivating me with your word and your ways to do so, to prepare myself for the long day ahead.  Life gets messy, God, you tell us it will, but your word carries me God.  Your Grace is Sufficient.

I’m sore today.  Leg work out Tuesday, 3 mile run Wednesday.  God I am so grateful that I can still do that at 57.  I’m grateful every single day for a body that can lift weights, workout,  run 3 plus miles and keep going.  I’m grateful because I challenge myself physically to keep being fit because you have blessed me with that gift.  Yeah, I get sore, and I don’t recover like I used to, and there are a few aches and pains, but it is such a good feeling to know that I have strong muscles, that I can take care of me (with your blessings), that I can lift and play with my 4 year old granddaughter.  I can hold my new grandbabies due in a few weeks.  I can move relatively pain free, I can hug my children and my friends.   I love having my health.  God, thank you for that.

By the way, thank you Father.  Your love is so overwhelming sometimes that I stop, in the middle of a task, and have to catch my breath to keep from crying tears of joy.  Thank you for loving me, for forgiving me when I mess up, which I know is a lot.  Thank you for pursuing me.  For showering me with mercy, for your loving grace.  You are so good, God.  And God, I love you.  I really do. 

Love Always

L

Heartaches

I've lived too many heartbreaks.   Ive known the loss of my grandmother that i dearly loved, and then my grandfather as a child, a close friend as a teen, puppy love crushed to nothing, real love and marriage broken and shredded into nothingness.  I lost my parents when they were young..and after, I never felt good enough to be part of  my family...25 years was a long time between visits.  I have known the deep heartache of a friends betrayal.   

Not long ago I thought those heartaches  healed; but as I've let God into my life more and more, I realize those old heartbreaks, healed, twisted and angry...I swallowed biterness instead of forgiveness and hardened my heart like Pharaoh to the Israelites.  I have grown in God, continue to grow and learn from His word, and I am learning to be more trusting in Him, to know His love,  His grace and mercy.  He has healed those old heartaches with new and different ones, those things that break His heart; the orphan, the soldiers widow, the sex trafficking victim struggling to know a better world, the hungry and homeless,the abused and neglected dog.

A doctor will sometimes re-break a bone to set it right, especially where it causes distress and pain. I have known God to do the same, to re-break the heart over and over and over to something new and fresh each time. My heart breaks for the sadness and disarray of this broken world.  That raises a question for me then.  How can I, in all MY brokenness be a light in a world already broken?.  As I ask, I already see the answer, in nail-scarred hands, and an old rugged cross that set me free.

His Goodness Overflowing

This morning, quiet time with God, His goodness spills over, flowing down cheeks etched with a life hard worn, I am counting

Two grandbabies on the way;
my beautiful daughters;
loved beyond measure.

I have known love like never before in this God who does all things good, and keeps promises.  His beauty surrounds me, and I am still counting.

Trusting

Abbie is sitting on the back of the couch grumbling as she watches the squirrels chase each other through the cool September morning.  I am recovering from a bit of a nasty cold.  a couple of years back, I would not have let the cold stop me, I would still have gone to the gym, taken the dogs for a walk, cleaned the house and done all the laundry yesterday.  But I have learned that rest is a good thing, for the body, the mind, and the soul.  Yesterday, after a couple errands and a little light housecleaning, I spent the rest of the day mostly resting, reading, contemplating.

Last January, I lost the job I had been with for 11 years, and a time of rest, trust, but definite difficulty began for me.  I remember telling Pastor Michael that this was a God thing.  I knew I needed to get out of my job for things had changed in the last couple of years, and for many reasons the company morale, and mine, started sinking.  but God is faithful, and I think he picked me up out of that situation, and gave me a time of rest.  My severance pay carried me thru until Mid July. During this time I experienced a lot of difficult things which challenged me both emotionally and spiritually.  Though it all, even though I sometimes questioned God, I always kept my story straight, knowing He was working behind the scenes.  I never lost my faith and trust in him.

Spring forward to the beginning of June and I finally got a new job.  I was elated, the salesperson, otherwise known as Vice President of Development convinced me how great the opportunities for growth were and how quickly they would come about, you see she confided in me,we many things in the works and the company is well known.

Little did I know that the company was a sinking ship barely able to meet payroll and other obligations, and over the course of the next three months it progressively got worse.  On two occasions I didn't get paid on time, and it seems my bills would have to take a seat behind the ever growing bills and unpaid bills of the company.   The attitude with which my employer presented this to me was unconscionable.  I hope I never have to experience an employer upset that I am upset for not getting paid on time. 

I held on because, I did after all manage to get my check, which I needed.  But I knew in my heart that this was only a stepping stone, that God had plans, and that I was there, right where I was supposed to be.

Don't get me wrong, there were many days where I melted down and asked Him why this was happening.  There were many times I cried and got angry for being in this difficult situation.  But at the end of the day, I knew He was working in the background....just not at the pace I wanted Him too....have you ever noticed that God doesn't do it on our schedule?  Funny thing is, because He doesn't adhere to our schedule, better, brighter things come along.

A few weeks ago, the employment market started breaking open, and I was getting a lot of phone calls.  I have continued to look for another job knowing that this was not the place where I was esupposed to be long term.  I started interviewing. One job in particular that I had hoped would work out has continued their lengthy process of interviewing and testing me and I know that I am one of their 2 top candidates right now.  I laughed at this, thinking, "so this is where you are putting me, huh God."

To my surprise I was contacted by another company, interviewed, and was offered the job less than a day after I interviewed.  The funny thing is I like this job as much if not more than the other.  I prayed, I accepted, and I laughed at the way God sometimes works in our lives.

I don't know if this is my dream job, or if this is where God is going to land me as a long term job.  What I do know, and have learned through these last months is this, God works in His way, in His time, and at the end of the day, it is ultimately better for us then anything we could have planned for ourselves.

I know this, more than I have ever known, and having seen it, in real time, and real circumstance, it is up to me to ever trust my Heavenly Father, and even when I fail to feel it, continuing to do those disciplines like prayer, and Bible reading,  and studying, are so important in keeping us connected to Him.  Being connected to God allows the river of trust and faith to flow freely.  More importantly even than all of that, RESTING in His Presence, will bring hope in darkness.  

I am blessed to have a Faithful, Loving and Forgiving God.  I am blessed to have my eyes opened to how amazing He truly is.  Watching life unfold in my friends and family, and in myself, has blessed me beyond any vision I could have had.

L

Growing

I have several hanging and potted plants on my patio. I love the lush greens of ferns, and how a cliff hanger fern has red-brown vines that curl up into a spiral. I love the texture and lighter green of an asparagus fern; the delicate leaves of a friendship fern and the variegated leaves of spider plants. Each type of ivy is different than the next, sometimes I have trouble distinguishing the varieties as being ivy.

Something that always amazes me about plants is how they grow in spurts. There is a time when the plants on my patio all go dormant. They still show their beautiful greenery and rich vines, but they don't grow.  Even though they receive the same elements of sunshine and water, there are seasons when they lay dormant.  At least on the outside. The reality is that the dormant seasons are seasons of rest and recuperation. Storing up the necessities to grow later when the sun is warmer and the days longer and fuller.

I think that those who follow God are a lot like that too. There are times when I don't see or feel myself growing, times when I feel stagnant in my growth in God, but there are other times, when I grow by leaps and bounds. It is when I am growing by leaps and bounds that I realize that I never stopped growing in God at all, but I was being prepared for the spurts of growth that would be visible to me.
God moves us each through those times where growth isn't visible. Underneath the surface though, and many times without our realizing it, God is stretching us in new ways, deepening our roots in trust, understanding and faith.

There was a time not very long ago where I no longer heard God. I wasn't getting much out of the sermons, I felt empty in my ministry. It wasn't until later that I realized, through a lot of prayer and working with my mentor that God wasn't going to treat me like a newborn baby anymore and that it was time for me to be still and know that He was there, even though I didn't see Him working in me or in my life.

Today, 8 weeks into unemployment and at a very frightening time in my life, I am watching myself grow in leaps and bounds in my relationship with God. God's glorious, and vital sunlight is reaching deep into my soul, deepening the very roots of my faith, teaching me that His love and mercy is always there for me. Even in my self-induced darkness, I can see through the light of His amazing love and grace.

Even though I am concerned today of what may lay ahead in my future unless I soon get a new job, I am growing in God's word, in the lessons that He has for me. I am recognizing those things about myself that He wants me to change. I have a deeper faith. My heart beats for God. I recognize that the time that I wasn't feeling in touch with God was a time He wanted me to rest in Him, where I could store up those vital nutrients of faith and trust and stretch upward against the soil to burst forth into His amazing grace.

Heavenly Father, sometimes the lesson isn't learned until the class is finished and the test is done, and finally...finally I get it. Sometimes, I don't see where you are taking me, and sometimes, I don't see you there at all. But I know this, you promised that you would never leave me, and I believe you. Forgive me Father when I fail to trust you. Forgive this broken woman when my heart tells me you have left me. Shower wisdom on my heart God that I may know that even when my heart feels abandoned, that my mind would take over and remind my heart that you will never leave me.

Thank you Father, for you are an amazing God. You are my sunshine, my strength, my provision, you are my heartbeat, my everlasting love. You are my God.

Amen.

God truly does work in ways we cannot comprehend.  This morning reading my devotional it talked of how mouthing the words "I trust you" to God while at the same time frantically trying to control a situation is sendng exactly the opposite message and saying "I don't trust you to take care of this."

I am never truly surprised by how God shows me and teach me. Sometimes, my daily devotional seems like it was written by God, for me alone. So often the message I read in the morning is a gentle reminder of how many ways I failed to do as I should, and trust in God, or hope in God, or just let go of my need to control a situaton.

These last two months, in particular, have been difficult at best. The enemy has his sights on me and attacks me on a never ending basis. Yet, as I look back over things that have happened over this time period, I see God in all of it. Hindsight is always the best viewpoint, but the truth is, that by looking back, we can learn more about trusting God in the difficult times ahead.

Even though I say I trust God, my actions don't always give God that message. It is easy to trust Him when everything is sailing along smoothly, but when the storms come, we desperately want to take the helm and steer in the direction WE think is best...sometimes God just says, "go ahead and let me know how that works out for you."

Following and trusting God takes a conscious effort. We need to be mindful and stay present and focused on Him, then, when the storm comes it is easier to let God take the helm and steer you out of the storm as only He can do.

I know that this is so much more difficult to do than to say. In looking back over the last month and knowing God was in every situation and taking care of things in His way, I hope that I can be more mindful each day to keep myself focused on Him, and learn to wait patiently in His presence.

Heavenly Father, teach me to look to you in all things. To bend my knee when I feel the need to take control, and to pray to you for your guidance and mercy. God, you are so good to me, and I fail in so many ways to be who you want me to be. Still, I am grateful, Father, that your grace is so amazing. Grateful that regardless of who I was or how I have failed today, that tomorrow you will still love me and carry me.

Amen.