Psalm 23

More and more I am finding what it means to find God in the Bible. Reading this Psalm reminds me.

This has been a difficult week, filled with disappointment and trials, and has left me weary, tired, saddened. 

I have struggled much of this week with arrogant and aggressive people.  People who find pleasure with creating drama.  People who gossip and spread that gossip like wildfire, never giving a moment's thought to the destructive nature of their actions, not caring who or what lies in the path.  In fact, finding joy in the pain that it causes.  They often try to drag me into their games and drama; I become subject of their gossip; their ability to rile me because of my sensitive nature is a game they have thrived on for years.  My walk with God lately has taught me to stay away from and remain indifferent to their plots to "rule the game," which has just given them more fuel for the fire.  I just want to go about my business, improve myself in all ways, in particular in my walk with God, where I find peace and comfort.  Truth. They cannot accept this from me.

I want to spend time with people from my church, I don't want to spend time with people like this...It is not conducive to my mental or emotional health to be with people who will, in any given conversation, find 10 different ways to demean and persecute me for being who I am; for being different and not fitting the mold they want to pour me into; for not siding with them; for not promoting their cause.  It certainly isn't conducive to my growth in my Faith.  They struggle to be "top dog" in a world where there is no such position.

I find myself tired, drained of energy, in desperate need of renewal.  I succumbed a few times to weakness, allowing the enemy to slip through the gate, I let anger get the better of me by allowing myself to dwell on the pain and disruption that their games cause in my life.  It weakens me.

A friend, Cori, reminds me that "we as women need to stop and just BE and quit trying to control..."

and "Peace in the storm.  You cannot control the storm but He is your provision and protection in any storm."

Cheryl reminds me that "God is in CONTROL"

and AJ directs me to "her favorite promise"

"We know that in everything God works for the good of those that love Him.  They are the people He called because that was His plan."

Yesterday, I had a good workout at the gym, prayer time with God; and let my friends' wonderful advice and Psalm 23 carress my weary soul.

Today, I am renewed.  I have laid down in the green pastures that God has led me to; I have let the still waters of His word restore my weary soul; my life is full.  I have God, I walk with Him and even in my times of weakness, I hear Him calling me: "Linda, Linda, this is the way, follow it.  "

"And the child grew and became strong in spirit; and he lived in the desert until he appeared publicly to Israel. " Luke 1:80.

How like God it is to remind me that in the very ordinariness of human struggle we are surrounded by the extraordinary.

Having raised my children and seen them safely out of the nest, and myself, getting safely out of the trap of a failed and bitter marriage, I struggle with impatience to know God's new purpose for me.  With each season of our lives, I believe that God gives us new purpose.  My season of motherhood and marriage is behind me and there is a new, yet undefined season, waiting for me.

Day after day my life seems to idly meander like a small stream in the midst of a vast forest, weaving in and out of rich foilage and around rocks, never quite getting to where it is going.  I know that in all things, it is in God's time, and yet, I am impatient to know just when is God's time; why is it taking so long, and what do I need to do to hurry it along?

As I read Luke 1:80 last night, it dawned on me with such breathtaking simplicity that in the daily ordinary moment, I am a seed planted in the sweet soil of God's love, and He is waiting on me.  Waiting for me to stretch against this new fabric and reach outward and upward, leaning into His light; Waiting on me to grow and become strong in spirit, then by His will, to lean gracefully into exactly the place where He wants me to be.

Our lives are filled with days, days are filled with moments.  It is our job, and God's passionate wish for us, to fall in love with our moments.  To learn to taste, touch, feel, sing and dance life.  God is everywhere, and finding him in the small daily moments of life teaches us to fall in love with life.

"The Presence of God

I looked a hundred times and all I saw was dust. 
The sun broke through and flecks of gold filled the air."

Mark Nepo.

How do you see

Over the last few Sundays, Pastor Michael has been doing a series of sermons about the names of God. Interesting, to say the least, these names have brought just that much more about God's amazing love and grace into perspective for me. This past Sunday, Ashley Jennings did the sermon, and talked about the name Immanuel. Love that Ashley, you did such an awesome job of reminding us that God is with us.

My favorite of these sermons was a couple weeks ago. We had each received a blank name tag before the serivce began and when Pastor Michael was finished, he asked us to take a few moments to reflect on who God is to us, given the meaning of each of the names we had learned. We then had the opportunity to write that on the name tag and place it on the altar.

As I was having my God Time this morning, I was looking out the window and watching the wind as it tossed tree branches into the air, and then, letting loose, the branches would plunge back down, the force of the fall dropping them low to the ground before another gust would come and throw them back up. Contemplating the names I wrote down on that tag, I realized that we each see and feel a different side of God. For me, God is my provider, my strength, redeemer and my fortress, a safe harbour in a storm.

Watching the storm outside I thought of the internal storms of life that we all face, like tree branches in the storm, we are often tossed into the air into the midst of difficult and trying times. If we cling and hold on too tight, loosing our faith and trust in God, we come crashing to the ground unable to hold on in the terrifying storm, broken fragments of our better selves. As frightening as those stormy trials of our lives are, it is only when we trust in God that we bend and move with the wind as it tosses us about, and rather than crashing to the ground, we move and flow with the wind, and God's Grace blesses us.

In the last few months, I have learned that in turning my trials over to God and trusting in Him to do His Will, my life has been so much more peaceful. The stormy winds and tides have been calmer. It doesn't mean that I don't still have sorrows, or sometimes question God; it certainly doesn't mean that I don't sometimes try to take the ship to steer it through the rolling waters myself, it just means that I have found more peace in trusting God, than I have in myself. I think the more that we bend and move with God the more peace and love we find in our lives.

Mark Nepo wrote:
I envy the tree
how it reaches
but never holds.

I like that. I think I shall try to be more the tree that bends, and allows God to do His will.

Fall

It is 630 pm on an early September evening and I am picking late tomatoes from my garden. The tomatoes didn't do as well as they usually do, the summer was very mild, and not hot enough. But there are cherry tomatoes and big beefy tomatoes, and I am grateful for their sweet and hearty flavor, a wonderful addition to many meals over this past summer.


I have taken down my "easy set" pool because it is not hot enough to use anymore. Leaves are falling off the trees in my front and back yards, a gentle reminder that fall is just around the corner. Halloween; Thanksgiving; Family time; Christmas; a new year; hope.

I will plant some grass seed this fall, trying to grow a heartier and lovelier lawn. I spent a great deal of time this summer killing off weeds and invasive grasses that ruined the lawn, that done, it will soon be ready to be reseeded. I hope to work in the front and back gardens doing some very basic but appealing landscaping.

I have spent time recently purging. Getting rid of the old, refreshing, leaving behind things not used, no longer needed. Wondering at some as to why I ever acquired it. I have taken the step to do the same with my heart and soul. To get rid of the old, leaving behind those things left unused, unwanted.

I have reflected much on the last two years of my life. Life changing experiences, growth. Watching Shawna get her AA, knowing her pursuit for her education will not end there. Kaitie having a baby, me becoming a grandmother; my neice having her first baby and Pammy becoming a grandmother too. I have reunited with my family, brothers and sisters I have not had in my life for a very long time. For whatever reasons, we all found it important this year and have taken strides towards keeping that family base alive and well, including a treat from my younger brother, Doug, who is flying us all out to Chicago in late October to spend a sibling weekend together, celebration of what would have been my mother's 75th birthday. A chance to reacquaint.

I have found a more simple, slower and yet wonderful pace and grace in my life. Settling down into the who of me and digging deep within to find what it is that I want at the stage in my life.

Single, divorced. Grown children. I have a job I love and am grateful for. Yet there is more that I need, want to do, the fiber of my soul is reweaving itself into different directions, a sunflower that bends and reaches towards whatever direction the sun takes. I am reaching out, growing in new directions, and I am being called to something and I am restless to know what God plans for me. It isn't about a new job, but about adding something to my life that I am passionate about and love. I haven't figured what that is yet, knowing God has planned it so that I receive it at the right time.

Later now, Abbie sleeps on my feet on the couch. I have the tv on low, not really watching but watching the night unfold covering the day with a blanket of darkness.

L

REALITY CHECK!

You should go to Stephanie Howell's blog post here and check it out.  Because it's real.  Because it is insightful into who she is and because, just because in my opinion she is right.  We should share the reality of our lives and I really do not like false representations.

So here's a little reality list of my own:

I get up at 500 am in the morning, feed three dogs, drink a cup of coffee, shower, do my makeup, hair and dash off to an 8-9 hour a day job.  5 days a week

I sleep in on the weekends until 630...can't make it past that.

My house is always clean

My laundry is always done

I make my bed everyday.

I always wear makeup

I always do my hair...ok that's not true.  Sometimes I just leave it wet and it get real curly and I straighten my bangs and that's what you get.

I iron my clothes (work clothes) everyday.  I can't help it, it's habit.

I can do these things because I don't have a husband or kids to take care of.  Otherwise, a lot of this would go out the window.

I am 53 and I live alone.  I am single and I am ok with that right now.  Matter of fact, I love it right now.

I get lonely sometimes.  Really lonely.

I go places with my daughter and her friends sometimes....like concerts, hiking.  seriously, it's fun.

I don't cook very much anymore because it's just me.  I don't like that because i love to cook.

My week evenings are pretty much spent cleaning, doing laundry, going to the gym, riding my bicycle and reading.

I facebook too much.

I don't scrap enough.

My scraproom is a disaster.  I clean it up.  Mess it up...and clean it up again.

I spend too much time alone sometimes.  But I really like it.

I talk to my dogs.  All the time. 

My best friend is nothing like me.  She does not do outdoor stuff.  She doesn't scrap...she does make fabulous cards though.  And she is really more like a sister than anything.

I have a really hard time with motivation during the week.

I cannot scrap, practice photography or do anything until all of my "chores" are done.  Now who the hell asssigns me chores?  Me!  Sad that!

I am BORING!  LOL....

You Are My Sunshine

When my dd Shawna was born, her Aunt Debbie gave her a little pastel colored clown that had a music box and played "You Are My Sunshine."  I sang it to her all the time when she was little.  Did the same thing when my youngest DD showed up and it has been sort of a tradition with the girls.  They both still love the song, and I still have that adorable clown although he's a little battered and the music box died somewhere along the line. 

Whenever I have my grand daughter Marley Jane, I sing it to her to, as does her mom.  It just sticks, and I love this picture of her first time at the park.  She was cutting a tooth and a little cranky, but she is always up for pics for Nama (me), the sun was shining on that crazy, wild faux hawk of hers too.

This line is by We R Memory Keepers.  I recently found a little treasure of a shop in Sacramento that I had never heard of and although the shop is small, Beverly has a nice selection.  There is a small piece of sass lass in there as well.

So, another milestone today, my dog Max (this pic is when he was a little pooch), turned 11 today.  I have to laugh because this morning he was running around like a 4 month old puppy chasing Abbie and playing with Zack.  He just still has so much puppy in him, even at 11.

And the story behind the pink face....lol....So about 10 years ago when Max was a puppy, my ex husband called me at work one day and the receptionist told me he was on the phone, and she was cracking up because he could barely talk he was laughing so hard.  I get on the phone with him and no kidding he was laughing so hard that it took him 5 minutes to get it out that Max had a pink face.  Now my heart skipped a beat because the night before Shawna had colored her hair this ridiculous shade of red and it turned out pink, and I thought, OMGosh Max got into the trash and got hair color all over him, but nope.  Turns out he ate a paper mache' apple off the Christmas tree, he had it all over the carpet his feet, etc.  My ex snapped this picture after trying to clean him up.  I still have this picture framed at home. 

Any who....not much else going on.  Love getting to have scrappy time during the week.  I feel so much better now that I have my scrap room getting put together.

I'm off to get some work done.

have a great day!

Marley at the park

Life is busy, changing, working too much, stressing too much.  Transisitions are difficult.

I have this baby girl though.  That I am so grateful for.

Lil Ms. Marley Jane at the park this weekend.

She has her first tooth coming in and just let me

tell you,

she

does

not

like

it

at

all.

Still, how can you avoid loving this little face. 

and the hair?

Seriously...